Uncle Jim

Puzzle

2009-12-13T23:32:00.004-05:00

There are so many pieces, I can't tell what the end will look like
I start with the sides and build the framework that will house the story
Frustration mounts at times when I cannot seem to find the right pieces to fill in the gaps
Elation abounds when I do
Slowly as I fit more and more together I start to see the where the puzzle is going
I catch a glimpse of the whole
There is still so much more work to create the picture that all will see, and even then who knows
For the first time however, I am encouraged by the blankness that lies ahead and I am excited to see where the story takes me.

Here

2009-10-24T02:29:00.003-05:00

Inspired by a burning idea,
& in seconds grasping at the embers of a once bright flame.
Meaningfully insignificant.

Knots tighten,
too much sleep has replaced too little.
Can't seem to win, another lecture on the horizon.
Thoughts, pictures, words racing desiring to find their place,
but there is no place?

Confounded.

"In the grand scheme of things"
What about the not so grand schemes?
So many steps too take, that the first lies in a mass of obscuria.
So long having floated, too light to reach the bottom and walk.
Viability ahead:

I never really wanted what peaks through a shadowy forecast,
and even then its like swimming against torrents too strong to make a real pace.
Owing, everyone?

I'm just tired of the cycle that I seem to perpetuate upon myself.

Blue Ribbon

2009-09-23T01:41:00.003-05:00

The girl with the blue ribbon in her hair.
The big brown eyes and the pretty smile,
how she turns her face for pictures.

When pessimism overruns, she helps to
find the ground
All that was twisted inside, she made to unravel
When low their is high, and the same

She turns the day upside down
and draws a picture
Her words pierce and carry,
flooded with caring and desire

Creative and then some, being around her
causes warmth and hope

She sees the positives, and helps you to see
Surprises around every corner, always excited where's next

She reminds me of a flower, bringing its beauty to the day.

Call girl...or guy

2009-07-31T00:11:00.004-05:00

You call when you need, than you don't call again
I'm supposed to be there...
to listen, to tell, to inspire, to be
I'm gone again after that, until you need again.

You can't do it without me, and it makes you mad.
As if it's my fault
You talk, and you wiggle, you don't listen
and then I'm blamed for the wrong choice.
I am a simile, its like James' fault.

It's the same old story, new and used, with a different flavor.

I bend under the weight of my own pressure
I collapse under the weight of yours
I'm tired, worn out, and for the moment,
don't want to hear it.

round

2009-07-06T13:45:00.004-05:00

Without you here, there is less to say.
Everything just seems to have lost a little bit of luster.
I sit, and I stare at the screen,
reminiscent of times past.
More smoke cascading in my lungs.
It helps.

I didn't realize how much I need you.
To listen, to talk, to believe.
I read my old posts, and I can't recall those feelings,
They have been buried, and I stand atop 'em.
Your smile changed my day, your favorite place -
was always my favorite place too.

4 months rolls off so insignificantly, but its not.
A stretch, not too much, past the point. I hope.
I have lost my luster, and my desire has taken a hit too.
Medicinal answers are in my future, and my past...they blur into the present.
Can't kick some things: replace the pills with her, replace her with smoke and liquor, replace the proof with you, replace everything with the pills. And around.

The best part of the day, I see you on my screen later.

Gloves

2009-03-09T11:01:00.005-05:00

My dad bought me one.
My brother gave me the other.
I cherished these two.
Not for ascetic beauty,
or that they were intricate to my life.
But because they meant a lot to me.
Time elapsed around the simple act.
My dad teaching me, my brother helping me.
I can re buy a new one,
yet it would not be the same.
I have had them since high school,
and have spent incalculable time
of use with them.

Of all things that were lost,
these are some of the hardest for me.
I will miss the moments of connection.
The moments of enjoyment, even the back pain that was sure to follow.
The smell of leather and dirt, the feel of wear from years of use.

Almost as if part my childhood, adolescence and adulthood are now lost to me.
Times of one on one. Times of teams. Times of fun. Times less than fun.
They reminded me of mouthfuls of seeds, and spitting, rally caps, the smell of fresh cut grass, using cleats as a shovel, and inspiration.
All of which have impacted me in someway.
It will be different when the three us throw around now in something new.

Developing fire

2009-01-21T03:02:00.002-05:00

I don't know where to begin. Last Thursday I experienced something I never would have thought that i would. I watched my world burn before my eyes. It's a bit surreal to be honest. almost as if it didn't happen, but the burns on my arm and the memories I cannot seem to shake hold me in my reality.

It was any other day. I was home alone and had to work later in the evening. I was on the phone and casually mentioned that I had smelt smoke, which I disregarded because I had just used the oven. I took a shower, and when I stepped out of the bathroom the air was permeated with smoke. It was all around. I searched for the source, but to my dismay I was unable to locate it. It was getting worse however, then I looked out the front window and saw a random lady stop her car and run to my garage, a strange occurrence. When I opened the garage door I was met with a wall of flame.

I immediately ran to the fire and frantically searched for something to extinguish it with, I tried a rake, but it burned off at the handle. I ran back into the house to fill a garbage can up with water-it was all I could think of. When I returned to the garage the fire had spread, and so had my overwhelming dread. The garage door began to close, I bent over almost spasming under the smoke in my lungs and the fire had reached the door. I exited as quickly as I could and my mind raced in every direction. I grabbed the phone and headed out the front door.

I threw myself into the snow in front of the garage, frantically trying to throw snow at the beast who destroying all before my eyes. It was a futile act. I watched in horror as the fire grew in spite of my efforts and I realized I could do nothing. I ran back to the house to get brownie out. I went inside to the stairs and found that she had hidden on the second floor, she came at the sound of my voice-she's an amazing dog-and we ran outside. I stood at the door, coughing, looking in as the darkness filled the house and shouted for the cats, they would not come and I could not go back in. I called and I called and my brother who has given me a life here, rushed over.

I waited in the snow watching as the fire destroyed. I cursed myself. I had the supreme feeling of helplessness, it was consuming everything. The heat burned my face, singed my hair...and I watched, where the fuck was the fire department, it will be too late, and I am to blame. How. How? Why? Why? my brother and his family?

I exposed my vulnerability to anyone there as I fell into a million pieces and wept, and cursed, and was angry and ashamed. I already felt like a blight on existence, now I had just cost my family-whom deserve so much-everything.

I was on my knees with no shoes, no socks and no shirt when the officer pulled up. He dragged me to his car and locked me in. It was here that I had truly lost what little composure I had left. i wanted to do more, to try more, and now I couldn't even see.

The moment I dreaded arrived, my brother found me. I didn't want him to see me the way I was. I didn't want him to know that I, his younger brother who he has always taken care of, just lost everything he had. I was afraid. How could I face him? How could I express how truly sorry I am, for everything. That's when he found me, at my lowest, and he was his best. He grabbed me, made me look him in the eye and expressed how he did not care about any of it, only me, his younger screw-up brother. I almost wished me punched me instead, but my brother is too amazing for that. He was what I needed and he was the strength for both of us.

The nightmare that destroyed our house and the items that held memories, has haunted me since that day. It's hard to shake it. I look at my brother and I know how lucky I am to have him and my sister-n-law, how strong they are and how they have held the family together. How they have lost everything and they are still so thankful and faithful. How even when it was thought it was my fault, that they didn't care, they still loved me and wanted me with them.

I know its weird but I can still feel the heat of the fire on my face. The odor of the smoke and the fire in my lungs. If I can sleep I dream about it, and when the dream is over, I know that reality is not. We have to face the charred remnants of our lives and forge a new one, together. For that I am thankful.

heart of darkness

2009-01-14T11:40:00.001-05:00

My heart is a broken, tangled mess of a rock.
It has been damaged and it will bear the scars of times past;
Shame nor pity is felt.
I have lived. Just as you have lived.
We all carry the past as our burdens,
Not letting it get the better of us is the goal.
I have deluded myself into thinking I do not feel;
I do
My heart has felt the warmth of the moment, inviting the slightest touch to enter:
Thinking about knowing, realizing I do not.
Always more to learn, more to heal, more to hurt
Such is life, and life is worth living.
Even if it is only for the experiences of something stolen,
But there can be so much more.
Even where one has trod, to heal is reachable.
Thinking about knowing, and this I now do.

Masks

2008-12-28T22:34:00.002-05:00

You see what I desire you to notice
It changes as my mood alters
Revolving masks
differing emotions, feelings, wants
So many,
The real is rarely seen, if at all
Would anyone recognize or care?
Glimpses-observed through the chips
An insight of what is actually there.
Few have seen, fewer more will.
Sour flavored, sweet tasting, brings a smile or distaste,
I am what you see I am, but not seeing what else.
Loquacious to a fault, serves purpose for the time.
The time that no one can escape from; too short in the end.
Long lasting smile, dripping the charm and humor, vanishes alone.
Stay awhile longer, this mask will prevail.

Tis the season

2008-12-26T02:22:00.003-05:00

Ah, the end of Christmas. What a day.
This is the first year I have not spent Christmas with any family whatsoever. It is kind of a surreal experience.
It actually has been quite awful, this entire week.

I have virtually not left the bottle for days and I am foul at the moment.
Pent-up to explosion.

I wish I had a definitive answer.

I'm frustrated at not being able to have provided for myself, to rely on asking, and still no gain to make.

I don't like the charity.
I don't like the ever-ending circle.
I don't like the use for validation, and not realizing.
I don't like your demeaning texts, trying for a moment to think you understand me. You do not, and keep the jealousy.
I don't like the blame that was put on me, as if I did not feel bad enough.
I don't like playing anymore.
I don't like the typing that assumes something about me that I am incapable of doing.
I don't like you telling my boss that you are surprised that I am working out.
I don't like the feigned concern.
I don't like you wanting and not wanting something from me.
I don't like that everyone thinks that I can be labeled and that you know what it is.
Fuck you.

In a world where people presume and assume about all things they know nothing about, leave me out of it.

A story

2008-12-21T22:43:00.005-05:00

His whole life Jack was afraid to take a chance.

If the rare occasion arose and he did, he was often left with his head in his hands.

Reaching the age of 30, he had found himself with nothing to call his own.

"If only," he would say; and he would focus on his past and never really faced what could be.

He would run, and curse his miserable existence.

He let his career never develop, he never faced love, and he sat at home watching old reruns of cheers while drinking a revolving door of various liquors.

His interests lied in classic art and music, but that was where it would end.

In Jack's own mind, his existence was one of nothingness, because that was what he felt.

Sometimes life is nothing without taking a chance on something...

am indeed

2008-12-12T00:36:00.002-05:00

"She takes my breath away"
I would love to say this and mean it again.
To find the feeling of nervous excitement, just at the brush of a touch.
To want to sacrifice all I have and am, for a smile.
No. I loved that feeling. Now I enjoy who I have become.
I do not need long term, love, marriage, virus.
I need the moment.right now.
I don't need your words, but I want words.
My words, are fanciful. Charming. Oozing. Not bad.
They can be something special, no need to change for what.
I fell once. All it takes is once. I need no more, not from her...long lasting
From me. I am who I am becoming.No.looking, backwards.

You know I am not yet content, but I am finally on my way/without digressing.

and thanks to whoever said I was amazing.

No idea.

2008-12-07T01:53:00.005-05:00

Stale tasting, bitter aftertaste. Time well spent in the moment.
Look to tomorrow-seeing something new. But is it intended?
Do you want it to be?
A long lasting decline, far from whence you began.
Burdening; you no longer.

Insufferable to attraction-mere words to adjectives.
Types too many words, words are a gateway into the soul.
or is that eyes. I can never recall. Why not two?
Pleasant surprise, a brush, a moment, an escape.
I find too many escapes, and ones that will not define me.
I need not another:
Smoke a little more. Have another drink. Spit into the bottle. Pop one more pill, before you twinge in pain. Reasons, not just. Just one more conversation-that never feels as long as it is.

Missing a presence, and abhorring for no reason.
One in many, no reason to stand out.
If I am the same, why is it all else are the same.
You fight, and I fight, to regain the definition of uniqueness.
Too wide a feeling to locate in one specific spot, it moves too much. Well, at least it seems.

I write too much, and I still love star wars.

I

2008-11-25T02:18:00.006-05:00

I sit and I try. I have nothing else to offer. I am what I am.
I have made decidedly wrong choices, and I live them.
Afraid to to take a chance. I will lose what little pride I have.
What little self-respect I have that defines me.
Excuses overrun, and running to nowhere.
Pride becomes shame, on a one-way road where there is no destination.
Confusing writing, masking the haunting of discovery. Learn a little. Have.
Acrimonious feelings no longer have a grip, than a someway a finger hold is found.
Pushing away, those and myself, easy is the path most taken.
No more one more-but there is always just one more I hope.
Inadequacy reigns, in some form, in some life.

Wait a little longer, push a little more, expose just another minute.
Witt, humor, intelligence, amounts to...well, only time will tell.
Overcoming desire, but not sexually, desire without work. Then maybe sexually.
Whose voice is heard first, whose pride bends a little. Everyone I want.
I am what I am, no glory, no contentedness, not now, not yet, but maybe, you'll see, or you won't.

I make ebullient feelings, but is there more?
A word smith, fancy on himself, there is limitless potential you see.
What if he fails, what if he falls, then disappointment is felt universally. We should of seen.
Its easy to not try, then no one is let down. Perhaps the one whom desired a teacher, perhaps more.

I long to take care of, to provide, I have in my own limited way, but again disappointment, distaste, to foul a flavor to be savored.
I try, perhaps a bit more this time, to see what others see, to not be blinded by illusion, desire, contentedness, live up to what you are. Climb. Fall. Fail. Try again.
I am who I am, but can I be more?
Evasive writing makes sense only to the writer. I am content with elusively.

Standing Storms

2008-11-24T02:20:00.008-05:00

Isn't life filled with its little ironies sometimes? Recently my fondness for writing reemerged in my life. It has been some time since I have even wanted to think about writing, including blogs. But Last month something awakened inside of me, and I feel better than I have in a very long while.

Ah, but there is always more. Just as I was getting into a groove again, an unfortunate accident came my way. It would appear that a beverage of some sorts, I'm not sure what kind, met gravity and the two conspired to ruin my laptop. So just as soon as I return to find my passion in writing, my legs get swept out from under me.

It occurs to me, that in life when you try to stand up, you can get knocked right back down. What matters though, is how many times you try to stand up, and how long you wait. I have been sitting for way too long, and it looks hard to stand up, and I can only imagine that I will get knocked down again...and again. That's OK. For some reason I don't mind.

"Life is a storm, my young friend. You will bask in the sunlight one moment, be shattered on the rocks the next. What makes you a man is what you do when that storm comes. You must look into that storm and shout as you did in Rome. Do your worst, for I will do mine! Then the fates will know you as we know you: as Albert Mondego, the man."

It may be old, but its still clean.

2008-11-24T02:18:00.003-05:00

Let me take you back to an incident that I think you'll enjoy, it's one of my favorite anecdotes.

It was a cool fall evening when I was asked to manage a large video store in Dearborn, MI. If you are unfamiliar with the ethnic makeup of this city let me explain, it is primarily Arabic, which is of no real concern to me, but it is a foundation for this story. I like to consider myself as a pleasurable guy and rather enjoy meeting people. So when I promptly arrived a little past when my shift started, I scoped out the people with whom I was going to share this evening.

I arranged various unimportant items in an attempt to look more important than I actually was, and decided after enough time had passed that it was time for my fellow co-workers to make my acquaintance. So I approached a young female and in a friendly, professional tone, introduced myself. Here is where it gets interesting. As a slave to cultural traditions, I extended my hand to shake this fellow human's hand, because this is what one does when they meet someone.

What happened next will forever stun me. At the very sight of my outstretched hand, she visibly recoiled from it, almost like my hand was a venomous snake. Sidebar: I hate similes, they are like gay. Anyhow, as she recoiled, she said; "oh no, no touching. You are an infidel. You are unclean."

Needless to say I was slightly taken aback at this. I had never in my life experienced racial prejudice, and it stung a little. I guess I do not have to explain that our relationship never really progressed past that event. Sometimes I think it is just hard to move past something like calling someone unclean. Ah well.

To this day I still think about how I am an infidel and I will forever remember my brush with racial profiling.

The man

2008-11-13T02:43:00.002-05:00

There is a man sitting alone in a deep valley. Surrounding this valley are hills in all shapes and sizes, and surrounding the hills are mountains. To the man in the valley it is overwhelming, how could anyone climb something that seems so impossible. So for awhile he simply sits there, and does nothing but moan about the helplessness of his present situation.

Time wears upon him and this man finally decides that nothing is to be gained by sitting around waiting. So he begins his trek up the first hill. With a little struggle he makes it, but there are so many more. So he keeps moving to the next one, and with even more hardships he reaches the top. Here he sees that the next hill looks even more arduous than the last. Perhaps I can't do this after all, he says to himself. He waits again.

Finally frustrated by his own predicament he grits his teeth and steels himself for the monumental task ahead of him. He struggles, and he climbs, and he falls more than once, but he keeps moving. Finally, when he is worn and weary, when he has all but given up hope, he pulls himself up the last hurdle.

Instead of collapsing from exhaustion, he stands to his feet on top of this hill. He looks down upon what he has just accomplished and for the first time since he can remember he feels joy, he feels proud, he finds a renewing of his resolve. He has made it farther than he ever would have thought possible, he has bested his own self-doubt and that encourages him to move forward. With a last glance at what he has achieved, he turns to face forward, and he gazes upon what lies ahead of him.

Here he sees more hills, and more mountains, and even greater challenges. Now though, he is not afraid. He has crossed a line and he has found that if he can face his hardest challenge and win, he can face more, and nothing from behind him will further hinder him. He can go farther, and he will wait no longer.

Too

2008-11-09T20:50:00.008-05:00

Too proud to be the first.

Too scared to see what could be.

Too nervous over how the past haunts you.

Too worried to say what you want to say.

Too ashamed for something, and you don't know why.

Too proud to not hear what you desire to hear.

Too scared over a change in life.

Too nervous about what you feel.

Too worried about reciprocation.

Doesn't it always seem like there are too many too's in life? Sometimes it is hard to see that there can be so much more.

Grand

2008-11-08T01:50:00.005-05:00

"Isn't love grand?" This statement was uttered by an attractive young woman to her friend as they were sitting around talking.

"Um, why yes I suppose that it can be."

This young woman failed to notice the expression the man had on his face while she was talking about love in a cavalier way.

"Oh, I'm sorry for rambling on again, its just that I think this is the one. I mean he seems different than all the other ones. Don't you think?"

"Derrick? I guess. But Lisa, how long have you actually known him?"

"That doesn't matter, when you're in love you're in love. It's a wonderful experience, just to know that the one person who you can't live without feels the same way."

"Yes, than I guess love is very grand."

Lisa and John had been friends for as long as they could remember, both always being there for each other when they needed it, and even when they didn't. At some point, John had fallen deeply for his friend. Just to see her smile was the one thing that brought a smile to his lips. There was nothing about her he did not know: her severe insecurities, the way she snores, how she snorts when she laughs too hard, how her left leg is just a little longer than her right. Yet, even though he knew all about her, she would always surprise him, and to John, she was perfect.

Lisa was oblivious to John's passion for her though, and if she did know about it, she hid it very well. To her, John was the closest, purest friend she had ever known. He was always there for her, and he always knew just what to say to make her smile. He would be perfect for her, but he was like a brother to her. He may not of known this, but it was his advice and approval that she desperately sought after on all matters.

So it was here that she was asking John about newly requited love. She was whimsical and flighty in her methods, but she sincerely desired John's approval. It was just that when it came to matters of the heart, John was very guarded, and she had been known to fall for the wrong guys. So she wasn't surprised by his lack of enthusiasm, but it was not what she was hoping for, and honestly hurt her a little.
"John, you are so not a romantic."

"Yea, I guess not sugar nipples."

"I told you not to call me that, we're not 15 anymore."

"Oh, I'm sorry...babygurl."

"You are incorrigible." Although she said this with a laugh.

So the game would play on, John never having enough courage to actually tell her about his feelings for her; and Lisa continuing to be oblivious to them, and never really examining what John means to her.

"What type of wedding dress should I get?"

"Oh god..."

live

2008-11-03T04:46:00.003-05:00

Sitting alone atop of a hill, looking down into a vast array of something beautiful. Wanting to feel something other than what you are feeling.

Being alone in a sea of people, searching for anyone who recognizes your face.

Walking silently down a beaten path, where many have come before, wondering at the eventuality of its ending.

Being trapped by the very air around you.

Lying awake at four AM, listening to clicking sounds of the keyboard.

Desperately searching for something which may be right in front of you.

Finally taking the outstretched hand, the one that has been patiently waiting...if only you can.

Hold your head up.

2008-07-13T16:52:00.004-05:00

I've been thinking lately, I know its kinda vague thing to say, but I have been pondering and postulating upon rememberances. I was recalling something in my highschool years, and this particular anctidote takes place either my freshman or sophmore year. I was playing on the baseball team and there was a particular game where I was making error after error. When you are not doing very well at something, sometimes you start to beat yourself up, and it was in these thoughts where I found myself that day. So there I was sitting on the bench, wallowing in my own self-misery and keeping my head down.
This was going on for awhile, and at one point my dad, who was watching all this, walked up behind me and whispered in my ear; "put your head up."
That's all he said, but that was all he needed too. He made his point and for some reason it has resonated with me even to this day. It's a lesson in holding your head up high, of trying your best and being proud of what you do and who you are. That's what I love about my dad, he's a man of few words, but they're always what you need to hear, even if you don't particulaly want too. I am the man I am today because of the example my father has given me. He has always showed me what being a man is. And if there is one person whom I hope I emulate, it would be him.

Also I think its awesome that I call him Bobby and he calls me Jimmy.

Greenhair

2007-09-25T22:14:00.001-05:00

I would like to share a little story. This is the kind of tale that has a lasting impact and will be burried in the folds of your mind for times to come.

Its a story as old as time...that began about four to five years ago. I was in my early twenties and was presently employed by Blockbuster Video. At this time I was well connected with certain individuals and they came to rely on me for any number of responsibilities. Alas, it is such a cirumstance where the rising action takes place.

I was asked to help close down one of the stores in our district. Now trust me when I tell you that this is not as grandeose as it sounds, it involves a lot of heavy lifting and moving shit. So here I am one sunny summer morning loading a Uhaul full of various items one might find in your typical retail outlet. We needed to transport our cargo to a holding facility and unload, and I was chosen to drive, so I was the leader if you will.

There was another fine fellow that was chosen to accompany me, a man whom I did not know, but I would learn all I would ever need to know about him soon enough. We are cruising down 5 file at a moderate speed when we came to an intersection whereas I proceeded to venture in the left hand turn lane. It was here my compannion would shock me. He observed a young man skateboarding down the sidewalk and with a swiftness I had not deemed probable, he rolled down his window and shouted "Greenhair...asswhole."

Needless to say I was floored, I was not sure what to say so I promptly closed my mouth and proceeded to say nothing, however this little outburst by a man whom I couldn't pick out of a lineup, has had a lasting influence on me, and I daresay on many of those around me.

Let me explain: you see ever since that day the word asswhole and greenhair have become synonymous in my mind. I have uttered the term greenhair on a fairly regular basis ever since, and have encouraged others to pick up the call as well. It started small with my friend Butters, when we would see some walking, we would simply roll down our windows and shout "greenhair", befuddleling all who would come across our path.

So here I am now, years later and I am still uttering that phrase, telling all who would here the tale and encouraging them to also adopt this phrase. In truth I can be in a room and hear that very phrase uttered and the response of asswhole, its like a secret call to all those that know about its true meaning.

There is a trick to saying it however. You cannot simply shout greenhair in your regular tone, you have to drop it a tone or two. Also you have to slow down the speech and kind of say it out of one side of your mouth, it is then that you will have mastered it.

As I look back on this incident that has had such a profound exposure to me, I can't help but think that my companion was infact the one with greenhair. Metaphorically speaking of course.

My real life to begin.

2007-08-16T18:54:00.001-05:00

Recently I heard a song that made me stop. I have never identified with a piece of music like I have with this one. Its almost as if the song was written about me and for me. I enjoy it more and more upon each new listening. If evere there were a song that would sum me up, right now in my life, it'd be this one.

Any minute now, my ship is coming in
I'll keep checking the horizon
I'll stand on the bow, feel the waves come crashing
Come crashing down down down, on me

And you say, be still my love
Open up your heart
Let the light shine in
But don't you understand
I already have a plan
I'm waiting for my real life to begin

When I awoke today, suddenly nothing happened
But in my dreams, I slew the dragon
And down this beaten path, and up this cobbled lane
I'm walking in my old footsteps, once again
And you say, just be here now
Forget about the past, your mask is wearing thin
Let me throw one more dice
I know that I can win
I'm waiting for my real life to begin

Any minute now, my ship is coming in
I’ll keep checking the horizon
And I'll check my machine, there's sure to be that call
It's gonna happen soon, soon, soon
It's just that times are lean

And you say, be still my love
Open up your heart, let the light shine in
Don't you understand
I already have a plan
I'm waiting for my real life to begin

On a clear I can see
See a very long way

A Tangled Web We Weave

2007-07-24T21:00:00.000-05:00

So I have been in refelction lately and trying to study some of the choices that i have made over the last year(s), which led me down the path of where I am now. That however is not the topic I am exploring exactly. I have just been wondering about choices and life in general. Every choice that we make has some type of reprecussion, for good or ill. Now I know that what you choose at Taco Bell may seem trivial for such a big word as reprecussion, but we all have ordered the wrong thing at some point in life. Choices are what lead us to where we are and where we're going.

Did you ever think "if only I would have just did something different" or fantasize about traveling back through time to correct a choice that has had an undesireable flavour in your life. I wonder about who I am and how the choices I've made in life have influenced me. Are you the person you've always wanted to be? Ah, what a question. One can always choose what they would want to change about themselves, but do they make the fundamental choice to better themselves, or at least to be happy.

Life is where our choices have led us. There is an image in my mind. I feel like life is like a large intricate spider web, we all start in the middle but from there the paths we can choose can take us any number of directions. There is always a new choice in which web to take, and they all lead to a different ending.

I am in a different place then I was a year ago, even six months ago. I dont know where I'll be in a year but I know that there are many differnt choices and paths for me to take. I believe that I'll always have a choice. That everyone does, the trick is making the right one, cause we have all made the wrongs ones. But. That is life, a tangled web that we weave.

Zach

2007-06-27T11:09:00.000-05:00

So this is short. My youngest nephew Zach, who has a small speech problem started doing two really funny things. First off, everytime I see him he now grows this big smile and says "hi unc em" and waves his hand at me. It really is the cutest thing.

Second his last session with his speech therapist she was trying to teach him the word sheep. She was trying to show him the sh in word. Unfortunatly he couldn't quite get it, so now he says eepsh. It's awesome.

five years

2007-05-14T19:03:00.000-05:00

Yesterday someone asked me the question "where do you see yourself in five years?" The question took a minute to register with me fully, and my response: "I have no idea."

When I look back at where I was a year ago, and where I'm at now, I dont think that I can even take an intelligent guess at where I'll be in a year,let alone five years. Here's the thing though, that's just fine with me. The future is blank and I dont know where life will take me. This thought awhile ago would have depressed me, however my outlook has altered somewhat. Where as before I saw a lack of options, I now see options available if I work toward them. The only obstacles left to conquer is finding my passion and discipline. I believe that once I acquire those I have alot of directions in which I can go.

So does not knowing where I'll be in five years scare me, no. The only thing I'm afraid of is that I will be in the same place; and I'm not simply referring to geographical location.

Brothers

2007-05-01T22:09:00.001-05:00

“Check the perimeter,” said one soldier dressed all in black to another soldier, similarly dressed.
“Perimeter is clear sir.” The two soldiers proceed to execute a standard sweep through the domicile, checking every room for possible hostiles.
“Kitchen clear.”
“Bathroom clear.”
“Basement clear.”
“All right lets head up stairs.”
At this point the two dangerously trained soldiers checked their weapons and headed up the stairs. Ever so slowly they crept not wanting to alert the enemy of their approach.
Blam Blam. Blam.
“Take cover, take cover, shots fired shots fired.”
“Sergeant Jason your hit, stay down. I will get us out of this.”
This seemingly innocent upstairs bedroom had erupted into a war zone. Bullets flying overhead, grenades being thrown, explosions encircling them, blood everywhere, it was hell on earth.
The soldiers did their best to stay calm and remember their training, they fought valiantly, but could rapidly see their enemy closing in upon them.
Blam. Blam. Blam. Aargh.

“I hit you,” screamed one of the soldiers.
“No you didn’t, I have on bullet proof armor.”
“No, my bullets can go through anything, even your armor.”
“That’s dumb.”
“Its not dumb.”
The two soldiers left alive confront each other on the battlefield. Soldiers, fighters, brothers, kids.
“You can’t say it’s dumb…your dumb.”
“What?”
The conflict had come to a head. There was no way either side could decide the victor of the skirmish for themselves, and now that harsh language had been called upon there was only one being that could ultimately decide the fate of these brave soldiers.
“Mooooom.”
“You are such a baby, always calling mom.”
“I’m not a baby. Mom, Jay called me a baby.”
At this betrayal of the code between siblings, the older brother pushed the younger brother down and with his bigger hands he held his brother’s smaller hands to the floor.
“You are a baby, baby, baby, always calling for his mommy.”
“Moooom, Jason is being mean. MOOOOOOOM.”
Both boys stopped quite suddenly when they heard the sound of footfalls on the stairwell. You can tell a lot about the mood of someone by the way they ascend or descend stairs, and the soldiers knew that by the sound of these feet, that the decider of their fate was in no mood that would bode well for them. This was the moment of truth, the younger spoke first.
“Mom, I shot Jason first and he wouldn’t die, then he called me a baby,” it was at this point that the elder interrupted.
“That’s not true, and I wouldn’t call you a baby if you didn’t act like one. Mom he didn’t shoot me first I have on armor, he can’t shoot me…"
“ENOUGH.” The words came out like steam from a locomotive, loud and attention grabbing. “ I have had enough. Look at this mess, your father is gonna be home soon and I don’t have time for this.” She let out a sigh as if she just discovered that her vinyl Elvis collection suffered water damage. “Listen I have to finish dinner, would you two please play nicely.” She turned to walk away and after a short pause turned back around, ‘what if both your sides came to a truce?”
“What’s a truce?” asked the inquisitive younger son.
“Its where both armies decide that they have killed each other enough and both decide that they are winners, so everyone lives and wins.”
The shocked look of skepticism was apparent on the faces of the two boys. The older brother took initiative however.
“Your right mom, that’s a cool idea. Listen Jamie we both can be winners, no more arguing, ok.”
“Well I guess…if you think it’s cool.”
A smile appeared upon the mother’s face. “Good, play nice boys.” With that she descended the stairs with a swift, rejuvenated pace to finish…well whatever it is that mothers do.
She continued to smile at the quiet that had erupted, the stillness, the calm…

BLAM. BLAM. BLAM.
“I hit you, you’re dead.”
“No I’m not, you’re stupid.”
“Mooooooom.”

hair care?

2007-04-30T01:14:00.000-05:00

Well I thought of another funny story that happened a few years back. The year I believe to be 2003, there was a music festival called Blitzfest being held at Birchrun, MI. Somehow my brother, myself, and our friend Zack were roped into helping with this endeavor. So we spent an entire Friday setting up for this bitch, and it was a bitch. I mean there was a lot of work to be done and few of us to accomplish the tasks, so please excuse my choice of words when I call it a bitch. Needless to say by the end of the day we were plumb tuckered out, and after a breif jaunt in the pool, we settled ourselves in for the eveing. This is just the set-up for the story.

So day two rolls around and we begin to ready ourselves for the day's activities. Now let me explain something to you, I know when you look at me you might say "hey he's a damn fine looking man", or even "he's cute". But what most people say is probably "wow, he has great hair". Its true I pride myself on my locks, its my cross to bear. Anyways to quench any lingering curiosity about it, I do have to use an assortment of products in order to achieve the look. Without these products...well let's just say that it is not pretty.

Ok, so here I am getting ready and come to realize that I somehow must have left said hair products behind in my haste to ready myself the previous day. Bearing this in mind let me explain that I was completely broke as well. Whats a man to do? So later Zack and I happen to be out on an errand for this event when I spot some type of store on the horizon. I tell Barker to hasten to the exit and there we behold a grocery store in all its splendor.

We enter and quickly locate the hair care aisle, remember I dont have any cash and Zack certainly isnt going to purchase it for me (he didnt have any either). So I picked up one of the products and we proceed to walk around looking at various items, pretending to browse. It was then that I quickly and silently slid off the cap and placed a sample of the product into the palm of my hand. With equal swiftnesss I returned the lid and continued along the aisle. You may be asking yourself if I smeared the product between my hands and "did" my hair. Negative, that would be way to conspicuous. No I loudly proclaimed that after reflection I do not need to purchase said product and my compadre and myself will vacate the premises.

So we left and I did my hair. I did have a sticky residue left on my hands however, so I did not get away totally clean. Yes folks I am a rebel and I have broken the law, but its ok cause it was for a good cause-wink.

Accident or Conspiracy

2007-04-22T17:38:00.000-05:00

So the other day at approximately 8:25 A.M, I was waiting in the doorway to see my niece Bekah get on the bus for school. I was at that location due to the early hours and the fact I neglected to grab a shirt or some sort of similar garment. Having succumbed to the early morning temperatures I turned my back for the briefest of seconds to grab a jacket outta the closet next to me...that's when I heard voices. I immediately turned my attention to sound of this voice, the voice was feminine in nature and was clearly communicating with Bekah. I proceeded to adjust my stance in case anything went down and I would have to get "ghetto", if you know what I mean.

Anyhow, so after a few seconds Bekah comes marching towards me and she has a package in her hand, which I recognized immediately. "Uncle Jimmy", she says and launches into a recap of the discourse that had taken place between her and the neighbor. Apparently the mailman had "accidentally" dropped off this package to their residence and they had "accidentally" opened it.

Now this may not strike you as odd, however let me clarify a few of the details. This package was a bright color in nature and my name was very clearly marked upon the outside of the package. I have been receiving mail from this company quite reguarly since I moved here and I find it difficult to swallow that the mailman gave it to the wrong house. This wasn't accidentally opened, it was torn open. Finally there are four adults that live in this house, we can be found at all times of the day coming in and out, yet she chose to give it to the seven year old, interesting.
Was this simply a mistake on the the part of the mailman and our neigbors, or is there a bigger conspiracy here to watch my netflix? I'll let you decide.

Woa, lets not get ahead of ourselves

2007-04-16T17:03:00.000-05:00

So I was just reminiscing about this past summer and I recalled a short story from my brief stint in the country south of us, for all of you geographically challenged-Mexico.

So here we are, Zach, Drew, and myself and we are leading worship for a group ~90. Now we built some instant rappoir with a group from Northern MI. One young lady admirded my ability to bass and inquired if I would show her a few things, which I love when people admire my limited abilities, so I was all about that.

I let her play in one song, showed her some scales, some techniques, wrote some things down for her, and overall was very nice. That is until the last night, we were saying our goodbyes to the group and this young lady was saying thank-you, and she said "I just hope that one day I'm as good as you". My response? "Well let's not get ahead of ourselves." I seriously said that. I just see my companions faces stop in shock and slowly turn to look at me.

Now I said this with the purest intent, never meaning to come across as a jackass, just trying to make a funny. However no matter how many apologies I had offered, I feel as though, its still pretty funny, when taken in context.

Goal.

2007-04-16T16:55:00.000-05:00

I have decided that my posting habits need some serious upheavals. I mean to post at least once a day, however due to a strenuous sleeping schedule I am unable to fullfill this quota that i have set for myself. Does this mean that I perceive myself to be a failure in this aspect...I'm not sure I gotta sleep on it.

Today I am enjoying this beautiful day off, sitting on a deck in the sun, with my good friend Zackers, and my nephews whom are attempting to "hoe" the dirt. Overall, a nice little Monday.

Good vs Bad

2007-03-22T00:55:00.000-05:00

Stop for a minute. Have you ever had a really bad day, or a good day? Why? I've come to notice sometimes you have days that are inexplicably good or bad. Now of course there are reasons at times, yet there are times where I seem to be having a bad day and Im not really sure as to why.

Yesterday I had a bad day. I woke up late, I was tired, I hated going to work, being there, and doing work. I was sluggish and I felt pent up. You ever wonder how something from your past effects you. How some days you could care less about a year ago, and other days something triggers and you feel like you need to unleash yet without an outlet with which to unleash. I wonder if the person I am today is an effect of the events of my past, I know that it is, I just wish that I could erase certain times and have them no longer be a presence on who I am. This was part of my bad day.

Today started off much like its predecessor. I awoke 15 minutes before I had to be at work, already a bad start. I was experiencing much the same feelings and anxieties that I felt the day before. However I had an interesting talk with someone, he is a young guy from Mexico and I learned that he was a pastor there and a group on a missions trip in his town resulted in him meeting a lady. They fell in love and he moved up here and got married. He told me that when he moved he spoke no English, he had severely injured his back and could not move and for his first six months here he could not leave his in-laws. He said it was a terrible time.

When he talks about his wife his face lights up, its very visible, he talks about how much he loves her and how much she loves him and to be honest its nice to see. This however is nothing in comparison to when he talks about God. The passion he shares for God, and excitement and zeal, he has a huge smile and says the only reason worth living for is God.

He tells me this, and he says to me that God has blessed him, and continues to bless him. No matter how bad things got for him, God aws faithful to him and will bless him more. "I have a beautiful wife who loves me, a job, I now can speak two languages, good friends, and more to come." Then he looks to me and says you'll see Santiago (thats what he calls me...that or Jamie Foxx) one day soon God has huge blessings for you, you dont know, I know this for you.

Its amazing what effect a persons words can have on you. I guess the day wasn't that bad after all.

Getting Along

2007-03-04T21:16:00.000-05:00

Lately I have come to notice certain traits and habits of mine that may lead some to think that I may be-how do I put this delicately-getting along in my years. Yes friends I am deathly afraid of the validity of this statement. I apparently cannot escaspe the unescapable, I am getting older.

You may ask what are these so called traits and or habits that have led to this recent realization, well let me share them with you in a list...I find it easier to read and understand that way.

1) There is a current race between myself and my brother over who has acquired the most amount of grey hair. This race he desperatly wants to loose, I however like the way I look with grey hair.
2) The other day I was working with a sixteen year old and he asked me what type of music I liked, and I blanked, I couldn't think of anything besides Neil Diamond, but who doesnt like the Diamond? He rolled off a few options and for the life of me I had never heard of any of them.
3) I dont mind being called sir.
4) Recently I have noticed that I prefer the quiet to any racket that may be playing. There is something about the quiet, its calming and so peaceful, you can just sit there and be alone with your thoughts.
5) My back hurts, and my feet, and my knees, and my head.
6) I like "hanging out" at the library or the book store.
7) I can no longer watch MTV, it moves too fast, its hard for me to concentrate on whats happening, plus who can understand it anways.
8) On the opposite side I love the History Channel. Its amazing...and informative.
9) I have certain programs on certain days that I watch.
10) I like drinking tea.
11) A perfect day to me is either visting museums and art collections, or sitting around the house in my "comfortable clothes"
12) My new desires include having a stable job, a dependable car, and no health problems.
13) My car insurance is really cheap.

That's it. I was in denial for awhile, but alas I must accept the fact that I am no longer in my youth.
Don't worry your uncle jim is still as cool as ever though.

You ever

2007-02-28T00:28:00.000-05:00

You ever have a feeling like you are being squeezed-that's the wrong word. It's where you feel like you are being crushed under some undefinable weight. As if there were walls surrounding you pressing in on you, tighter and tighter and your vision blurs and and you can't breath. Where you have seeminly few options and you can't take any-and your mistakes of the past, and your lack of possibilities keep pressing in on you, and no matter where you are, you just cant seem to alleviate the pressure. It doesnt matter the choices you make, for you cannot escape it, there will just be new containment, holding you; and your left gasping for air, shaking your head, thinking how do I escape.

Or am I just bleak...

My last day

2007-02-25T18:02:00.000-05:00

So I have started my new job and it has forced me to reminsce about my last job. You see for the past 8 1/2 years I was employed by Blockbuster Video, who from now on will simply be referred to as BBV. This job had a great many up and downs, and I can't in good conscience say that I loved the job, but I mean hey, i worked for a video store. So as part of my reminisence, I thought I would share what my last day of work entailed.

The day began promtly at 9:15ish when I arrived to work. I then proceeded with the daily opening duties which I had barely managed to get done before the store opened. It being a Sunday morning however left me with few customers and myself being the self motivated hard worker I am, took a little rest.

The day continued along nicley, there was not much incident, I however found myself in a dangerous predicament, I determined that I had at some point become bored and hungry, so I purchased a lovely pizza and watched Star Wars on the TVs, which also is lovely.

Dont get me wrong, I offered some outstanding customer service to people if they needed something...well maybe not outstanding, but it was decent. If someone asked where a particular title was located I pointed to the general direction where one could fine it, pretty satisfactory if you ask me.

Anyhow, the day proceeded pretty much like that, I ended up watching another of the Star Wars series, had some sodas, said some goodbyes, kissed some babies, won some medals, wiped some tears, shook some hands, a few hugs, a few kisses-wink, and walked through the door for the last time, after almost a decade. It was bittersweet.

Well, I did have to come back for my camera, but then that was the absolute last time I walked through the doors.

Damn fine day

2007-02-10T21:51:00.000-05:00

So this weekend my friend Mr. McButters decided to come out stay the weekend with myself, and the rest of the Raitz clan. We thought that we would do some rather entertaining activities and all-in-all have an exciting adventure.

He arrived late Thursday evening and we reconnected (after all it has been a week since we've seen each other). So we stayed up for a few hours, did a little talking and spent the rest of the time downloading music.

The following day was inconsequential to the rest of this story, so we'll skip it.

Saturday began with an early start, Jason made breakfast for us. This may have been the catalyst for the mood that encompassed our feelings for the rest of the day. By the way it was a delicious pancake breakfast that was very enticing. Directly proceeding breakfast we decided to return to a room where we can control the entrance of those that cannot work child proof door knobs.

I'm not gonna lie to you, there we spent the next few hours tooling around on the Internet, downloading more music, TV shows, pretty much doing nothing of consequence. We did however send Bobby on a top secret mission to the fridge to retrieve some top secret sodas.

Around one-ish we decided that we should do something, the plan was to hop on a train and go downtown for some excitement. However upon review of the weather and the freezing temperatures, the decision was made to stay home to continue to do what we have already been doing...namely nothing.

So we got some pizza, some sodas, a few snacks and spent the rest of the day sitting in the same positions on couches watching about 12 episodes of the office, while continuing to tool around on the laptops.

All-in-all...a damn fine day.

My day

2007-02-07T22:47:00.000-05:00

If anyone knows anything about me they know that I like my space. I'm not a hermit, I just enjoy some jimmy time. The fortunate and unfortunate quirk about my current living situation is that I live with my 6 year old neice, 4 and 2 year old nephews. Now, truthfully I love the little buggers and have been enjoying living with them...most of the time.

I would share with you my day with them:
-I awoke to running and screaming down the hall @ 8:00 am, 8:30 am, 9:30 am, and 10:00 am.
-It finally worked @ around 11:00 when Bobby and Zach were knocking on my door, trying to open it, Bobb calling out uncle jimmy and zach calling out em (that's how he says my name), then tracie telling them to let me sleep, and they without concealing the shock in their voices exclaimed he's still sleeping.
-When I had emerged from my room, Tracie had taken them to the store, so I used the time to prepare some delicious pancakes. Upon returning from the store bob informed me pancakes are his favorite and he was hungry, and zach said pop, which means he would also enjoy some flap jacks.
-After my misreading the 3/4 cup of water with 3 or 4 cups of water the three of us sat down for an amazing...ly sticky brunch. Followed by the thrice of us cleaning up, cause as bobby tells me, team work is fun.
-Awhile later I heard a knock on my door and to my surprise when I opened it Batman was standing outside the door. When I was surprised and called him batman, he removed his mask and with a giggle said "no uncle jimmy, its be bobby."He then came into my room, told me my room was cool, questioned me about pretty much everything, and then purused my films, finding batman he decided we should watch/play batman, which was fun cause I was getting ready to go out.

-The very best though was later that evening the six of us were at church and bobby likes to listen to jay's ipod during the service, which is fine during worship, but soon as announcements started, all you could hear was bobby asking questions at the top of his lungs, because he still had the ipod on. It was fairly humerous to those around us.

All in all, its amazing how kids can brighten up a day, or even in the midst of some terrible feelings, they can turn everything around.

i still need some space though.

2007-02-06T18:17:00.000-05:00

I've had some fairly confusing feelings lately, some things that I can't describe and can at times be debilitating. Anyways, I spend a fair amount of time reading, and lately I have been reading some poetry. There is this one poet that I found that is sometimes hard to decipher, yet I connect with his words. I just read this one and have been pondering it:

-The Caged Skylark-

As a dare-gale skylark scanted in a dull cage
Man's mounting spirit in his bone-house, mean house,
dwells-
That bird beyond the remembering his free fells;
This in drudgery, day-labouring-out life's age.
Though aloft on turf or perch or poor low stage,
Both sing sometimes the sweetest, sweetest spells,
Yet both droop deadly sometimes in their cells
Or wring their barriers in bursts of fear or rage.

Not that the sweet-fowl, song-fowl, needs to rest-
Why, hear him , hear him babble and drop down to his nest,
But his own nest, wild nest, no prison.

Man's spirit will be flesh-bound when found at best,
But uncumbered: meadow-down is not distressed
For a rainbow footing it nor he for his bones risen.

Response?

2007-01-27T14:53:00.000-05:00

So it has been a short while since I have posted blogs on this site and I thought that perhaps I would share with you a few of the responses that I have received in recognition of my blogging. I have heard all of the following:

"Its too wordy, what's with all the words" (this has been uttered by more than a few)
"Why is it so black, it makes it hard to read, you should pick a more pleasing color...like your brothers"
"If you were to break your thoughts up in more paragraphs, I might visit again, right now though...no"
"You spelled especially wrong."
"Yea I read your blog. You spelled ascetically wrong, way to go."
"So uh you know that you have to post more."
"Did you post anything else?"
"Your brother likes it."
"Look at my blog, you gotta post more."
"They have spell check right?"
"It was kinda funny, when I could understand what you were saying."

So for all of you that have made this occasion so special...thank you - unless it was too wordy, or I spelled a wurd wrong, or you cant read it, or I haven't posted enough.

Employee of the month

2007-01-09T13:42:00.000-05:00

Ok, so the perk to working for BBV is that I get to view the films before they are released to the public, I know right-it's like being in the highlander. So I watched the above titled movie starring Dane Cook and Jessica Simpson. My opinion? Ehh. There were a few comedic elements, including a performance by Andy Dick, which suprised me, but overall I believe that this particular cinematic expereince was ruined by Ms. Simpson herself. Is she ascetically pleasing, sure; is she a terrible actor, YES. She was rotten in this film, not one funny line did she utter, and they gave her big ears, I mean they were ginormous, it was a little off setting. I did like the movie as a whole until her character uttered this line...."you employee of the months are all the same." Really? I can't even find the words to articualte my thoughts upon this little jem of writing.

I do believe the movie to be redeemable and worth watching however, if you have some free time.

Son of a B

2007-01-06T13:08:00.000-05:00

Due to constant insistence of my brother this is my first blog, and ironically it is about him. You see recently he committed a heinous crime against humanity-and by humanity I mean me. For the holidays Jason and his family come home to MI for the Raitz holiday gala, and needing a room for solitary confinement they sleep in my domicile, which is all fine and dandy, I literally can sleep anywhere. On Dec 25th these Raitzs were scheduled to leave, I had said my farewell departings earlier for I was at work during the departal time. Upon returning home from a gruelling day of employment, I proceed to return my room back to its natural homeostasis, and that is when I noticed something strikingly peculiar; there were holes in my dvd collection. Yes, I was certain that some movies were missing, which really grinds my gears. After questioning my current roommates, Bob and Shell, who were ignorant to the apparent atrocity which had occurred under there noses, I called my trustworthy brother whom I was sure would not strike me in such a way. His response; "Uh, yea I took 'em. I meant to leave a note." Well how thoughtful of you Jason, and when he saw that I became indignant he responded "I'll send them home with mom and dad next weekend." Which by the way he didn't. So here I am in MI with an incomplete dvd collection and my brother who resides in IL with like 12 of my dvds. When I confronted him, via text message, about neglecting to send them home with the visiting parentals, he felt it necessary to call me an ass, and to top that said he was currently rolling around naked with them. Needless to say our relationship had suffered from his lack of tact, courtesy, and breaking of my trust. In fact I am not sure how we will move past the events of that fate full Christmas day. All I can say is that at least God can forgive you, but as for me...

All that to say that I'm actually moving in with Jason and the family in three weeks and will then be reunited with my lost dvds.