You see what I desire you to notice
It changes as my mood alters
Revolving masks
differing emotions, feelings, wants
So many,
The real is rarely seen, if at all
Would anyone recognize or care?
Glimpses-observed through the chips
An insight of what is actually there.
Few have seen, fewer more will.
Sour flavored, sweet tasting, brings a smile or distaste,
I am what you see I am, but not seeing what else.
Loquacious to a fault, serves purpose for the time.
The time that no one can escape from; too short in the end.
Long lasting smile, dripping the charm and humor, vanishes alone.
Stay awhile longer, this mask will prevail.
Sunday, December 28, 2008
Friday, December 26, 2008
Tis the season
Ah, the end of Christmas. What a day.
This is the first year I have not spent Christmas with any family whatsoever. It is kind of a surreal experience.
It actually has been quite awful, this entire week.
I have virtually not left the bottle for days and I am foul at the moment.
Pent-up to explosion.
I wish I had a definitive answer.
I'm frustrated at not being able to have provided for myself, to rely on asking, and still no gain to make.
I don't like the charity.
I don't like the ever-ending circle.
I don't like the use for validation, and not realizing.
I don't like your demeaning texts, trying for a moment to think you understand me. You do not, and keep the jealousy.
I don't like the blame that was put on me, as if I did not feel bad enough.
I don't like playing anymore.
I don't like the typing that assumes something about me that I am incapable of doing.
I don't like you telling my boss that you are surprised that I am working out.
I don't like the feigned concern.
I don't like you wanting and not wanting something from me.
I don't like that everyone thinks that I can be labeled and that you know what it is.
Fuck you.
In a world where people presume and assume about all things they know nothing about, leave me out of it.
This is the first year I have not spent Christmas with any family whatsoever. It is kind of a surreal experience.
It actually has been quite awful, this entire week.
I have virtually not left the bottle for days and I am foul at the moment.
Pent-up to explosion.
I wish I had a definitive answer.
I'm frustrated at not being able to have provided for myself, to rely on asking, and still no gain to make.
I don't like the charity.
I don't like the ever-ending circle.
I don't like the use for validation, and not realizing.
I don't like your demeaning texts, trying for a moment to think you understand me. You do not, and keep the jealousy.
I don't like the blame that was put on me, as if I did not feel bad enough.
I don't like playing anymore.
I don't like the typing that assumes something about me that I am incapable of doing.
I don't like you telling my boss that you are surprised that I am working out.
I don't like the feigned concern.
I don't like you wanting and not wanting something from me.
I don't like that everyone thinks that I can be labeled and that you know what it is.
Fuck you.
In a world where people presume and assume about all things they know nothing about, leave me out of it.
Sunday, December 21, 2008
A story
His whole life Jack was afraid to take a chance.
If the rare occasion arose and he did, he was often left with his head in his hands.
Reaching the age of 30, he had found himself with nothing to call his own.
"If only," he would say; and he would focus on his past and never really faced what could be.
He would run, and curse his miserable existence.
He let his career never develop, he never faced love, and he sat at home watching old reruns of cheers while drinking a revolving door of various liquors.
His interests lied in classic art and music, but that was where it would end.
In Jack's own mind, his existence was one of nothingness, because that was what he felt.
Sometimes life is nothing without taking a chance on something...
If the rare occasion arose and he did, he was often left with his head in his hands.
Reaching the age of 30, he had found himself with nothing to call his own.
"If only," he would say; and he would focus on his past and never really faced what could be.
He would run, and curse his miserable existence.
He let his career never develop, he never faced love, and he sat at home watching old reruns of cheers while drinking a revolving door of various liquors.
His interests lied in classic art and music, but that was where it would end.
In Jack's own mind, his existence was one of nothingness, because that was what he felt.
Sometimes life is nothing without taking a chance on something...
Friday, December 12, 2008
am indeed
"She takes my breath away"
I would love to say this and mean it again.
To find the feeling of nervous excitement, just at the brush of a touch.
To want to sacrifice all I have and am, for a smile.
No. I loved that feeling. Now I enjoy who I have become.
I do not need long term, love, marriage, virus.
I need the moment.right now.
I don't need your words, but I want words.
My words, are fanciful. Charming. Oozing. Not bad.
They can be something special, no need to change for what.
I fell once. All it takes is once. I need no more, not from her...long lasting
From me. I am who I am becoming.No.looking, backwards.
You know I am not yet content, but I am finally on my way/without digressing.
and thanks to whoever said I was amazing.
I would love to say this and mean it again.
To find the feeling of nervous excitement, just at the brush of a touch.
To want to sacrifice all I have and am, for a smile.
No. I loved that feeling. Now I enjoy who I have become.
I do not need long term, love, marriage, virus.
I need the moment.right now.
I don't need your words, but I want words.
My words, are fanciful. Charming. Oozing. Not bad.
They can be something special, no need to change for what.
I fell once. All it takes is once. I need no more, not from her...long lasting
From me. I am who I am becoming.No.looking, backwards.
You know I am not yet content, but I am finally on my way/without digressing.
and thanks to whoever said I was amazing.
Sunday, December 7, 2008
No idea.
Stale tasting, bitter aftertaste. Time well spent in the moment.
Look to tomorrow-seeing something new. But is it intended?
Do you want it to be?
A long lasting decline, far from whence you began.
Burdening; you no longer.
Insufferable to attraction-mere words to adjectives.
Types too many words, words are a gateway into the soul.
or is that eyes. I can never recall. Why not two?
Pleasant surprise, a brush, a moment, an escape.
I find too many escapes, and ones that will not define me.
I need not another:
Smoke a little more. Have another drink. Spit into the bottle. Pop one more pill, before you twinge in pain. Reasons, not just. Just one more conversation-that never feels as long as it is.
Missing a presence, and abhorring for no reason.
One in many, no reason to stand out.
If I am the same, why is it all else are the same.
You fight, and I fight, to regain the definition of uniqueness.
Too wide a feeling to locate in one specific spot, it moves too much. Well, at least it seems.
I write too much, and I still love star wars.
Look to tomorrow-seeing something new. But is it intended?
Do you want it to be?
A long lasting decline, far from whence you began.
Burdening; you no longer.
Insufferable to attraction-mere words to adjectives.
Types too many words, words are a gateway into the soul.
or is that eyes. I can never recall. Why not two?
Pleasant surprise, a brush, a moment, an escape.
I find too many escapes, and ones that will not define me.
I need not another:
Smoke a little more. Have another drink. Spit into the bottle. Pop one more pill, before you twinge in pain. Reasons, not just. Just one more conversation-that never feels as long as it is.
Missing a presence, and abhorring for no reason.
One in many, no reason to stand out.
If I am the same, why is it all else are the same.
You fight, and I fight, to regain the definition of uniqueness.
Too wide a feeling to locate in one specific spot, it moves too much. Well, at least it seems.
I write too much, and I still love star wars.
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